DEPRESSED GIRLS R KINDA HOT...

At some point in my life long battle with depression, the mopey and dreary iteration of the depressed girl really stopped being it.

I was so depressed in my final year of university I would look forward to going back to my room in hall, just so I could lie on the ground and cry myself into dehydration. Then I would go for a crappy run. I think depression copiums became the backbone of my fitness journey. That and the fact that one day when I was 22, my body just decided it didn't need to eat.

It feels a bit horrid to say this in this age of Ozempic, but my body Ozemped me into losing 10kg. Overnight, I lost so much weight so quickly that my friends knew something was awfully wrong and no one dared to touch me. I was like a time bomb. But I didn't look like I needed help because when fat girls lose that much weight, it's always, always a success story.

Imagine being congratulated for having a successful eating disorder. Imagine cycling through this twisted version of self-validation multiple times. Since I turned 22, I have never gained weight. I was skinny, then I was skinnier, then I started to fuck.

This is why some men love the mentally disordered women. I had such little self esteem that I was willing to spear myself with a dagger (metaphor), throw myself in the face of euphoria, fearlessly take each trip-up of my life with no protection (metaphor) - because I was the skinniest I had ever been and I was able to wear a bikini. God, the power.

When I had depression, people would call me crazy and I would feel so sad. I do think the turning point at my second major bout of depression was when an ex best-friend (see... so childish...) told me: "Actually why do you date problem men? Is it because you're also problematic?"

I felt like asking her, during an early morning 6AM walk, if she knew her question sounded like a rhetoric. Because we had been friends for two decades. Anyway it gets worse because she also dropped the line: "You know I've seen the way you are. You could be the sunshine girl, guys love that. You could be attractive to so many guys. But you're just sad all the time. Is it because of the music? Are you sad so you can write music?"

That, is exactly how you inspired me to write two new songs for the album. It gets worse, but I don't want to save all the abuse for one story.

Anyway, after her - my depression manifested into something that made me feel crazy, into something that made me feel confident. The complete self abandonment I partook in drove me absolutely feral. I was playing life on God mode for about 2 years. I very proudly, lost my virginity to a hook up. Then I proceeded to have the worst sex, mediocre sex, violent non-consensual sex, male-manipulator sex. And I broke, and I broke, and I broke until falling became so natural I started dancing. Because why would I care about dying, when things on so many occasions, drove me to death?

A bit dramatic yeah. But I wrote MY BEST because I was trying my best to make light of the darkest years of my life. I also got tested, came out clean. Thank god.

I think where I was back then was new ground for me. That's why the song sounds the way it does. It was unhinged. I was unhinged. I was playing the part of a manic pixie dream girl without even knowing it. But thank goodness I came out of it. Some never do.

Anyway here's me in a bikini. I save it in case I ever need to use a dating app again one day. That's the manic pixie terrorist speaking.

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